In a recent discussion thread on Crossings (a discussion forum I periodically contribute to) the topic of not causing people to stumble, showing deference, and acting in love was discussed. This is based on my response in that thread.
There can be varying definitions of “stumbling”. In the event that someone claims that those with “lower standards” cause them to stumble simply because they feel defiled by being in the presence of “lower standards”, I would be inclined to question whether this truly counts as “stumbling”. While it could be that some are truly that weak in faith, it may also be an out-of-comfort-zone issue, and in extreme cases, a desire to control.
But there are some things that really could cause someone to stumble if it is an area where they are weak — such as instances of drinking in front of a recovering alcoholic. Or, case in point, what Paul wrote about in 1 Corinthians 10: eating food that had been sacrificed to idols. A strong believer would know the idol was nothing, but to someone weak in faith (who might have also believed the idol had powers) it could cause them fear and doubt, or to think that they were actually sharing something with both God and demons.
But in cases where this is taken to the extreme where one shows deference to the point of not doing anything that could offend someone (especially if not in their presence), then one is living enslaved by another’s laws, which generally means quenching the Holy Spirit to instead live according to a rule book. If one is offended simply by the knowledge of activities or lifestyle choices another participates in, when not together, this principle is also being taken to the extreme. Furthermore, one should not live in fear of offending someone just because they might be seen (i.e. by not dressing a certain way, avoiding certain establishments, etc.). While deference is an act of love, love also leaves no place for fear. And in some cases showing love to someone may be not deferring to their legalistic expectations but rather letting them see the truth: that these rules are not required for one to be accepted by God, and that it is like the sin of the Pharisees. Just as willful offense is wrong, so are such cases of being offended. I don’t think we do anyone any favors by bowing to their laws just to keep them from becoming offended.
So while there are definitely legitimate cases for deference out of love for a weaker Christian, sometimes love for another can also take the form of tough love by now bowing to the “laws” when unnecessary requirements are being placed on another. Consider the Pharisees in the Gospels or the Judaizers in the epistles — both of which were called out as wrong, not catered to.