Posts tagged communication

I want to cover a topic I haven’t previously discussed on my blog, but have been thinking about recently and decided to organize some thoughts in a post. The basic gist of what I want to cover is “dating and relationships” and comes about due to thinking about what our culture is teaching people (especially kids and teens but also adults to an extent as well) about what is normal and acceptable in relationships with one another. I haven’t approached this topic before, mainly because of the amount of division surrounding this topic — and that I am a single person attempting to write about things I may not have first-hand experience in. Nonetheless I have a few things I wanted to share, for the purpose of sorting through my own thoughts and ideas and in hopes that maybe something will be relevant or helpful to anyone else asking similar questions.

PART ONE: THE CAUSES AND SYMPTOMS
I think most would agree that our culture has some serious problems in the area of romantic relationships. For example, how easy of a task would it be to find a few mainstream, commercial movies that demonstrate a healthy view of this topic — without perversions that are presented as something positive or normal? Chances are this would be a difficult task.

But if numerous people were asked what constitutes a demonstration of a healthy view of relationships, it would be a solid bet that all or most responses would be considerably different — even among Christians. Now I am a firm believer in Christian liberty, and therefore am not going to say that one interpretation or standard is superior to another. To attempt to present principles as law and pit one view against another would in all likelihood be firmly in the camp of legalism and would be wrong. I would then be guilty of the very thing I’ve spent a significant amount of space in past years arguing against. What I will do is simply ask the reader to evaluate for himself or herself what a healthy depiction of a relationship is, and as a matter of conscience determine what is acceptable and is not. If someone has made this evaluation for themselves, it is not for another to judge. But if one is accepting of anything the culture offers for entertainment, without questioning whether it is really right or wrong, that is often a warning sign.

Why am I making a point of this? Why does it matter? Because relationships are a popular topic in our popular culture, and thus it is impossible to participate in these forms of culture without quickly coming across popular depictions. Sometimes negative things are presented in a negative light, but usually what is immoral is depicted as something positive because of it being “fun”.

For example, just to pick on a few areas…
1. Listen to certain popular hip-hop songs and you’ll get the impression that normalcy involves getting your “b*tch” or “sh*wty” and going down to a nightclub, acting loose, and participating in “lovemaking”. Is that really a normal relationship?

One of the underlying causes seems to be a loss of respect. There’s a loss of respect for men, to be certain, in this cultural snapshot — but what has really suffered here is a respect for the female gender. This is evident in the thought that a woman is simply a “thing” a guy can use for his own pleasure and the corresponding demeaning language that robs another person of dignity. Thus a lack of respect, to the point of resorting to demeaning acts that are both physical and verbal in nature, is foundational to this becoming “normal” to our culture.

2. Watch TV shows and movies intended for teenagers and you’ll get the impression that normalcy involves giggling over glances made around school lockers, and that who invites whom to dances and proms is a make-or-break decision affecting all of life ahead. Gossip and “flavor of the day” relationships reign supreme. Is that really normal in the real world?

Sometime in the last couple of generations, the teenager began to emerge as a distinct social group. No longer a transitional period between childhood and adulthood, where immature things of childhood fade away as the individual becomes more mature and prepares for the real world; now the teen and pre-teen years instead have become the real world. Teens today have a culture that wants the respect of being part of adult society without first earning that right by reaching maturity and acquiring life experiences as part of that process. There’s no need to grow and mature if a “fun” caricature of reality can be had right away, with flashier packaging than the real thing. However, adulthood involves maturity and, like it or not, high schoolers aren’t yet prepared to handle all adult decisions. In the area of romance, for example, the average high schooler just isn’t ready yet for the many facets of investing in another person. Sure, the feelings might be there. The fun experiences can be there. But there’s still a good deal of immaturity involved too. Except in rare cases, this is not building a foundation for a healthy relationship at a later time.

3. Pay attention to entertainment targeted at an adult female audience (i.e. “chick flicks?” and novels) and you’ll get the idea that men simply exist for the purpose of completing a woman’s life and if a man is failing to do that, he can simply be ditched for something more exciting, traded in for an upgrade, etc. The culture says that it’s okay if you’re not that into him, or “he’s just not that into you” — move on to the next greatest thing. Try-before-you-buy and If-you-don’t-like-it-take-it-back are the catchphrases of the day. But is that really supposed to be the norm?

4. Read magazines intended for men and you’ll get the impression that it’s both normal and acceptable to look at someone who isn’t your wife if it makes you happy. Whatever brings happiness and satisfaction is seen as being the goal. Is that really what normal is supposed to be?

Divorce rates in the church are at a high, and the rate is considered to be as high among professing Christians as among those who do not profess to be Christians. With there being virtually no difference in this area, it seems it would be a fair assessment to say the church has on a fairly large magnitude simply adopted the culture’s values in this area. Rather than influencing the culture, Christians have been influenced by the culture. Respect for one another deteriorates so that abuses happen, commitment is lost, and marriage partners begin to be viewed as parasites on the body rather than truly one body, one flesh. Discontentment lies around every corner and thoughts of fleeing to a better option are entertained as legitimate possibilities. An “entertainment” view of love takes over in place of a devoted, sacrificial, caring love, so that when the honeymoon high wears off, the temptation creeps in to move on to another relationship so as to experience that honeymoon high again. Love becomes reduced to just that high feeling, so that when the high is gone then love is said to be gone too. If this is the lie we are believing, then is it any wonder that disrespect, pleasure-seeking, and lack of commitment have become the norms in our society?

A common thread in all four examples seems to be “fun”. Our culture seems to have accepted the belief that the pursuit of happiness is supreme, and as long as the goal is to have fun, then it doesn’t matter what happens along the way. We seem to have forgotten to live for anything more than the present and however the present feels. The past’s mistakes are not learned from, and the future is disregarded as irrelevant.

Thus actually wanting a relationship of mutual involvement in each others’ lives often takes a back seat to the fun, thrills, and feelings. Outgoing, charismatic, fun, thrill-seeking people — the kind you see in movies — become hot commodities. But when the fun wears off, gone too is the desire to continue, and a breakup or divorce becomes the next step.

What has happened to the aspect of commitment and active involvement in each other? A few theories exist as a response. One is that social pressures to date at an early age (especially in high school culture) require a fast decision for the sole purpose of landing someone so as to be able to change status on Facebook and go to the prom. The other person isn’t as important as having ones own status among peers emphasized. Being in a relationship is essentially required to avoid being an outcast. Another theory is related to the high school theory but affects adults — in some situations and social circles, a single person is seen as less legitimate than a married person. A single person may feel the need to make a quick decision and enter a relationship with the intent of marriage so as to be in a better position to make advancements on the social ladder. Their union is not based on each other as much as it’s based on getting ahead of everyone else in the world. When things get tough, there may not be enough there to hold them together. Yet another theory involves the entertainment factor: books, music, and movies paint an attractive picture of a particular ideal, and decisions are made based on those ideals — ideals which often are as shallow as looks and material goods. If shallow to begin with, when the material goods are gone and the looks change, there may be little else to keep the relationship alive. These are but some of the possible reasons why, as the value of each individual has been cheapened, breakups and divorce rates remain at a high rate.

PART TWO: FINDING WHAT’S RIGHT
I think if a survey were to be taken of what people want in a relationship or a marriage, a high number of responses would include some allusion to a “fairy tale”. Certainly we could expect a significant number of such responses among the female demographic, but I think a high amount of guys would admit to the same. What is it about the “fairy tale” that appeals to so many?
Perhaps it’s the “happily ever after” component. In an age where, on average, five out of ten marriages will be dissolved, the picture of a commitment that lasts for life is a very desirable alternative, even if it may seem unreal today. In a depraved and fallen world, this picture of what’s right still appeals to many of us.

Or perhaps it’s how everything seems to fall together just right… the worst predicaments end up being just what was needed to get two people to meet each other and fall in love. I’ll get back to this later, but this is also a truth — even if we can’t see it at the time — because this also reflects God’s sovereignty. We can rest assured that his plan will be worked out because he is in control.

Another aspect common to many romantic fairy tales is the great deal of respect each individual has for each other. You don’t hear people in fairy tales talking about “clubbing with their ‘b*tch’” or “losing a [dud] guy in ten days”. Instead we see classic chivalry, courteous behavior from a deference and respect for one another (sometimes almost to an extreme where the guys are overly strong and the gals are overly needy, but still in a healthy way). This, too, appeals to us because it fills a void that we know we rarely ever see around us. Even someone who has not been regenerated and made aware of the truth still often expresses this longing for something better as a result of common grace.

All too often, however, even this classic depiction becomes tainted by depravity and deception. What appeals to us ceases to be the pictures of truth — the way it should be in the created order — and instead becomes the surface things. Looks, appeal, and actions replace commitment, sovereign order, and sacrificial devotion. Before long, these become the main things we think about in fairy tale stories. Guys often forget the examples given of being a strong man to defend, protect, and sacrifice for the lady and instead just want to get her and be with her. Ladies often forget that the prince is a prince because he is the king’s son and is reflecting the character of his father and the mission he has been sent on (think about that!) and not the prince because he’s enjoyable to look at. The looks and charm become what’s remembered and focused on, (so that it can be easy to instead fall for an impostor who has the looks but isn’t the right one) rather than the prince’s character, commitment, and dedication to doing what he needs to do as a heir and representative of his father’s kingdom.

PART THREE: WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
Where things get harder is when it comes to putting ideas, illustrations, and proven truths into actual practice. Relationships and marriage aren’t things you can create 1-2-3 step programs for. You can’t scientifically measure it and then create formulas for getting the desired results. You can’t even follow certain principles and get people to respond in a certain way (listen up and get rid of the books that supposedly help). In fact, sometimes you just have to step out, take a risk, and be willing to accept what happens — always remaining true to your convictions, keeping a level head, and seeking God’s will. A potential pitfall is when something starts to seem to be not right and due to pressure — whether social, emotional, etc. — these concerns are suppressed.

But what if concerns are suppressed and someone still proceeds into a painful situation that seems to have been a wrong choice? Is it then too late? Has God’s plan been destroyed? First, if we really believe in God’s sovereignty, we have to also agree that God’s plan can not be ruined. What we do is still known by him and while we can cause unnecessary pain to ourselves and others, we can’t foil his intentions. If we could, then who would really be the sovereign one?! So it’s hard for me to really say with certainty that a wrong choice has really caused a major, life-altering problem. Certainly, God does not will for us to sin. If we make a sinful choice, we have definitely violated God’s decree. But when we get into a painful situation and seem to be sidetracked from where we should be, it may be that this situation was still really part of God’s design because it provided a necessary experience to help the individual grow. The hurt provided a learning experience that points to the direction to something better, or perhaps to give an insight that will be used to build up another person.

It would be a lot easier if we could just protect ourselves and those around us from anything that causes any hurt. In many homeschooling and family-centric organizations, parent-orchestrated courtship (basically betrothal, and pretty close to arranged marriages) are presented as the only way to go. In a “father knows best” sort of situation, anyone unmarried (whether 18 or 38 years old) must yield to the parents‘ desires and let them approve and in some cases even establish the relationship; where without approval it can’t happen at all. How do I know this? I used to believe it and live surrounded by it. One of the main reasons is to protect others from making the same mistakes and experiencing the same things they themselves have. We often think that if we’ve had something unpleasant happen, we have learned from it and then can prevent others from doing the same thing so that they don’t go through it at all. But as noble as it sounds — and while I detest the legalistic rules that comes from these viewpoints and the completely unnatural, contrived and regulated approach to relationships that these groups present — I can see where they’re coming from, and the intent really is for a good reason. The intent doesn’t justify the means or the end, but we can still see where it comes from. When it does really get out of hand and the intent as well isn’t all that noble is when it’s orchestrated simply as a means of control — not for protection — such as for executing a “vision-casted” two hundred year plan, or a means of trying to control what one’s children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. will accomplish in order to see one’s own goals come true. However, I’ll avoid going further into criticism of this as it would distract from the intent of this particular post.

Back on the main topic, it’s only by trusting in God’s will — that unpleasant things are part of a better plan and something greater that hasn’t yet been made clear — that we can still be content even in disappointment. His plan didn’t just get thwarted by some wrong choice or dumb decision. Our goal did, but if it wasn’t the right goal it needed to be terminated anyway.

Finally, what are some things we can do in order to remain focused on the truth in the face of the distortion, deception, and perversion our culture throws at us?

The first thing I would suggest to the reader is to ensure you know what you believe as far as right and wrong, make sure that it is a sound view in line with the Bible, and do not give in to letting your guard down. When something is wrong, don’t continue even if all the social pressure around you is screaming in your ear to give in. The saying is true that “what is popular is not always right; what is right is not always popular.”

Second, if you are looking for a long-term committed relationship — a good goal, as an intention of something short-term has already resulted in commitment being thrown to the wind — think through ramifications and what things are requirements for the person you are considering a relationship with. A few years ago, singer-songwriter Derek Webb would often sing the song “Dance”, which he had written earlier during his time with Caedmon’s Call. The song was written about his grandmother, who at past 90 years old had been proposed to by a good friend of hers who was a resident in the same nursing home. However, she was quick to say she turned him down right away… because he couldn’t dance! Derek Webb would go on to explain at the concerts that “for all you young ladies out there”, this was a good reason to have a list of non-optionals and turn away any guy that didn’t meet the list! Now I’d add a couple things to this humorous illustration. First, it’s not just for women but applies to guys as well. Second, dancing probably isn’t really a good non-optional unless dancing is central to your calling so that having a partner who couldn’t dance would really be too much of a point of contention. But to be serious about this, it really is good advice. Some thoughts to consider…

1. Know your calling! If you are called to do something or be something, and another person simply does not share that same value (or is even opposed to it), there’s a good chance this relationship would be a bad idea. Though it’s certainly possible that God will bring the other person around so they share the same goal, it’s at least a cause for concern. The difference in goals can at minimum become a point of contention, and potentially become so great that you might be tempted to throw aside the goal for the sake of peace and unity. For example, if you are called to serve people, then someone who doesn’t particularly like people isn’t a good fit. If you’re passionate about missions, then someone who doesn’t appreciate any culture but his or her own isn’t a good fit.

2. Decide which things you simply cannot compromise without violating your conscience and beliefs. For Christians, theology can and should be a big one. If you aren’t on the same page in what you believe, what is going to happen when you must make a decision based on what you believe the Bible teaches? For example, when you have kids, what happens if you are in disagreement on whether to baptize your children into the covenant fellowship or have them remain as an outsider until they have their own profession of faith? Denominational differences — ways people interpret Scripture — really can be a bigger deal than most will readily admit.

3. See the whole person. Usually when people talk about non-optional goals for a relationship, it focuses on things like charisma, appeal, looks, common interests, etc. But what about character? Someone who you can have great discussions with, enjoy being around, etc. but has no sense of commitment so might leave (emotionally or actually) as soon as someone more exciting becomes available simply isn’t a good fit. You can certainly remain friends, but I would be extremely cautious about ever pursuing a deeper relationship with that person unless they undergo some serious changes. And unless that other person does undergo some serious changes, they may never want to even be around you again — even just to be friends — because of the entertainment-values-based thrill-seeking nature. (Little known fact: I know this from experience.) Or someone who is “good on the eyes” might meet everything on an “externals checklist” (something I really don’t recommend) but actually share few common interests, have different goals, and simply not be compatible. So to want a relationship with someone just based on their physical appearance really is to also invite disaster. To shun someone just because they don’t match up in the appearance department is also not right. This deception may be one of the biggest lies of our culture that we unknowingly believe and use as a filter. So much for the Hollywood ideal!

At the same time, realize that God isn’t done working on any of us — and in time, flaws that are roadblocks now may be things of the past later on.

Third, consider which influences may be detrimental due to unwholesome ideas being presented as the right thing. Forms of entertainment which cause unrealistic or unhealthy expectations, stir up feelings of discontent, make light of inappropriate behavior, etc. should be avoided. Some general advice that is “80% right 70% of the time for 60% of the population” (just kidding; I think it really is a good thing to keep in mind) is to engage culture when truth is present or when your involvement can be used to change the culture for good. Avoid involvement with the culture in areas where you can make no difference but it can change you. This will vary for each person, but if you being to be shaped by it rather than shaping it yourself, it may become a serious problem.

Fourth and finally, remember that no amount of scientific modeling, prescribing, or planning will guarantee a particular result. You can’t put God in a box, and neither can you try to make him direct in a certain way. His leading may be a huge surprise, but when he is ready to reveal it, he will do so. Then you can look back at the past and see how all the different twists and turns and roadblocks actually did serve a purpose and weren’t for no reason at all. Then give God the glory for what he has done.